honest feelings!

A day to go for the biggest test of my life. With just a day to go for my Executive examination, things are getting heated. Heated to an unimaginable level.

Throughout my life, I've always treated exams the way they should be treated. Just as an examination. I've ensured that I don't make my life entirely about exams. I've always been the coolest customer when it came to exams with no pressure. Yes, there has always been the slightest pressure about topping the exams but nothing serious.

But things are a complete a 180 now. I'm tensed to the extreme extents and feel the pressure, the heat. It is a time where things have been quite contrary to my previous approach towards exams. I feel pressure equivalent to what one feels when they're about to step on to the Melbourne Cricket Ground where nearly 90,000 Australians are ready to hound you. I've not been able to sleep well nor eat well over the past few days. The fear of exams, a thing which was among the rarest things I experienced, seems to have taken over all my instincts. I feel blank every time I open my books with no escape from it. At the moment, the realest thing to do seems like skipping the next 9 days mentally and start afresh from the 29th.

Honestly, I've done my part in learning and studying for the approaching exams, but the constant feeling of blank is making me look like a fool. A fool who spent the last one and half years learning the same things on a daily basis for 10-12 hours. Yes, I do feel like I could have done a few things differently which may or may not have benefitted me, but I cannot go back and correct those now.

However, unlike last time when I withdrew from the race because of the fear of failure, I'm going to give it my all. Irrespective of the feelings, I'm going to do all the right things over the next few days to give it my all. Obviously, the result is something I cannot personally control other than giving it my best.

A bit about how I feel about CS as a course

I'd be lying through my teeth if I said that I didn't have some pride coming into this course that I was good at academics. Now, it is upto the reader to interpret the above statement in a positive or negative sense. This course has humbled me and humbled me properly. It has served as a timely reminder that I'm not yet good at certain things and there is a long way to go. I have absolutely no remorse or sadness in accepting this. This course has also taught me the importance of staying consistent and many more things (which I'll discuss in a later blog)

So, then with a mountain to cross (no climb!), I'll meet you after my exams.

Bye! 👋