pre-result insights!!

24th February 2025. With less than 24 hours to go for my CS Executive results, things are starting to heat up a bit. I'm not anxious but there is something that's not usual.

Unlike previous times, this time there is a bit of tension, a bit of pressure. I find myself in uncharted territory. For the first time in my entire life, I'm expecting a not-so-positive result. Due to what was not an ideal mindset just a week prior to the start of the exam, I now stare at a rare and first failure in my life. I can feel the heat, and with each passing moment, it's growing.

From the very beginning of this journey, I knew there would come a moment when I would be beaten due to what has been my forte, i.e., knowledge and the clear presentation of it. For a big part of this journey, I know I haven't been at my best but still managed to find my way, but it seems like the time has come. When at my best, I'm an unstoppable force, but now I feel like an old warhorse who is being asked to go to war every single day without rest. But the past couple of months have given me a fresh perspective.

The best parts of my life occurred between May 2022 and March 2023—my last year in school. And the reason why I knew it was the best was because I could map my entire timeline through a list of songs. I know that last line wouldn't have made much sense, but let me explain. Throughout my life, I have always associated songs with the best parts of my life. For example, October 2022. The moment someone says that, I have a list of songs in my mind that remind me of October 2022. But since August 2023, I have lost this ability. I have added a lot of songs to my playlists, but none can be associated with a specific time period. As an introvert, this has been a very, very important tradition of mine. Yeah, it is kind of stupid to make sense of this, but it has worked for me.

Being a sports aficionado, I love comparing and contrasting my life situations with actual game situations. My current situation, or better say the situation if I fail to clear my exams tomorrow, in a cricketing sense, can be compared to India vs. Pakistan at Dubai, T20 WC 2021, and India vs. England, SF T20 WC 2022, Adelaide. In both matches, India faced 10-wicket losses. But if I had to choose one, it would be the England one. I have my own reasons for this. In the match against Pakistan, India didn't lose as a result of very poor bowling or very poor batting but rather due to the toss and dew. It was an average performance back then. But the one against England was solely because of the way India played—a terrible batting show wherein India played old-fashioned, outdated, slow innings and bowled pretty badly too. It was a loss that questioned India's fundamentals. That loss was the reason why India fared pretty well at the 50-over WC in 2023 and won the 2024 T20 WC.

Another situation would be Bayern Munich losing the Bundesliga last year to Bayer Leverkusen after winning it for more than 10 years consecutively.

And when I look back at my exams, I feel there were many things that I should have done differently in order to achieve my desired result. If I fail to achieve my desired result tomorrow, I want to use this as an opportunity to change the way I learn, go back to my basics, go back to the methods I used during my 12th life, go back to the ways that made me successful, and most importantly, get back to winning ways. I want to make a comeback that makes one take note.

The fear of failure has, for the majority of my life, been an obstacle in trying new things, but with that being breached, I believe it will open the floodgates for me to try new things. I don't think there is a better platform for me to start than my blog. Unlike other posts, which are entirely in the Verdana font, this one is in the Open Sans font.

I usually don't write anything before an event happens or when an event is about to happen. So, why now? An easy answer for this. I'm not the type of person who would discuss how I'm feeling with many people. I talk to only a handful of people about my personal life. And today, I feel like most of my close people are busy with their lives, and I'm in no mood to worsen their day by sharing my worries. Sometimes I do wonder if my choice to share my life with only a few is the right one. I wish I had someone with whom I could talk about such things, but currently, I don't have anyone, and hence my blog becomes my best friend with whom I can share my worries. This is my personal space, which mostly nobody cares about, and hence I feel confident sharing things here.

As I'm typing this entire post, I'm playing this song called Famy by Ava on loop which reminds me of January-March 2023, a period which reminds of nothing but hardwork and the last few days of my school life. Well then, I don't have anything else to say. I'm not very sure of what the result would be but I'm not expecting much from it either. I know, if the result falls on the wrong side, it would still bring a few positives. I would love to share my insights on that topic once the results are published and I analyse it. Till then, bye from my end. Stay positive!